Internet relationships

Bigmouth Strikes Again

As a twitter aficionado I recently described people who use online dating as being a bit pathetic.

Like many I have a tendency to just write the first thing that is on my mind, usually prompted by whatever has happened or floated into view. This admittedly random piece of wholesale disregarding prompted a strongly worded message from a new but soon to be ex-follower. The general tone of this was of the 'how dare you' variety and pointed out that not all people find it quite so easy to meet people . The implication that I do find it easy was wide of the mark but it did make me want to try to Qualify my position.

From the onset it is only fair to confess that my opinions on the subject have been coloured somewhat. The fact that my 10 year marriage was recently brought to a very abrupt end due to my wife’s penchant for presenting herself as some kind of lobotomised sex line sorceress on happy pills on dating sites has gave a dim view. Personally I would rather saw my own toes off than use such a medium to solicit the sexual advances of another. There are paid professionals who can communicate in an intimate nature with complete strangers in this way and they are usually found advertising in almost redundant telephone booths, but I digress.

Born in the 1970’s, when I grew up dating services existed only as ‘Lonely hearts clubs’ in which anonymous people drew coy and rather vague pen pics of themselves in the hope of meeting like minded people. The popular conception of the participants was always that of rather sad, lonely people or of inveterate perverts (or both). The advent of the internet has certainly worked to popularise this form of dating by streamlining the process and subsequently removing much of the social stigma. I’m sure everybody reading knows somebody who uses or has used this process, maybe it’s you.

Online dating.

There is no question that meeting like-minded people can be a challenge in this day and age. Relationships in the modern age are less fixed and more fluid than in previous generations and this is borne out in the ever rising divorce rates. Women’s increasing financial independence through their entry into the workforce combined with the weakening of divorce laws have resulted in many more people, such as myself, finding themselves single at the age of 30+. With careers at an advanced stage and/or parental responsibilities present, many simply have difficulties to find the time to meet similar people and the internet certainly opens up the gene pool a little wider.

However there are also plenty of disadvantages in using this medium. It’s far too easy to fall prey to the terminally dysfunctional or worse. People are able to present their identity to people in any which way they choose. Their age, appearance, vocation, marital status and even disposition can be successfully manipulated or concealed so that what you see is what you don’t get. More worryingly of course cyberspace is a hunting ground for perverts stalking the web for girls who don’t know better. Of course there are many people out there looking for thrills with no ties and this is fair enough if you are single and are sensible enough to use the medium carefully. Unfortunately there are many others such as myself who find their own stable relationships in the real world destroyed by your partner chasing the thrill of attention or more from a stranger in the virtual world.

For some, online dating leads to multiple dating or permanent relationships. I’m sure there are many whom have found happiness and fulfillment through this medium and good luck to them. My issue is with just how easy it is to meet people online automatically makes such relationships vulnerable from the start. As both partners met their beloved through the internet, how can either be sure that when the relationship inevitably hits a rocky patch, their partner will not simply go back online for a newer model. This must be a constant source of paranoia within such already contrived partnerships.

Social Networking Sites.

A further aspect on online relationships I had not been aware of until recently has been that of those within social networking sites. From my own perspective the idea of even trying to forge romantic relationships in this way is utterly pointless and self defeating. I purely use them as they are fun a good way of finding out what other people are doing and what is popular and of the moment. Since I started using twitter I have my finger on the pulse of popular culture much, much more than previously and I love the site. Another great thing about such sitesare the way they shrink the world into a single social space making it possible to gain contact with people right across the social spectrum. They are also formatted in such a way as to make it possible to gain contact with people of similar interests, intelligence and disposition. As such relationships can be built on a social level over a period of time with people.

However, difficulties can arise through the ambiguity that can arise by writing in text.
For a start we are stripped of nuance and any ambiguity when we’re deprived of our full arsenal of communicatory gifts. When conversation is left open to interpretation, as is the case when communicating in text, you could write an entire thesis on the potential gaps between what you say and what you mean in cyber speak. If not careful this can result in an imaginative interpretation of what the dialogue between you means. This can lead to ‘friends’ falling out as they perceive another persons innocent words as being a personal slight. More worryingly, it can also lead to romantic confusion and unrequited passions developing between people on such sites. I myself have experienced this in terms of a person who maybe thought my interest in her was something more than merely social. It’s unfortunate and can get a little bit messy. In my case I had to say bye to them, though it paied me as she was a really fun and nice person.

Ultimately, relationships on the internet on whatever level can be great but also present a cornucopia of difficulties. It’s maybe important to understand that such relationship operate and exist on a more shallow and superficial level than that of those in the real world and should be understood for exactly what they are. Fun but virtual and loaded with pitfalls.