Just saw a bunch of Mexicans celebrating in a car. It was a Fiesta.

The worst music video of all time?

Hello by Lionel Ritchie.

Some songs are forever associated with the video clip that was used to promote it. Think 'Thriller' or maybe 'Bohemian rhapsody'. This can be a blessing or a curse and for this single it was definitely the latter.

5 and a half minutes of excrutiating mush playing over the top of a video that can only be described as, at best, in dubious taste. It will be forever etched into the mind of anybody who was around in 1984. 

Mr Ritchie is a  drama lecturer obsessed by one of his young students to the point where he stalks the poor women around the college and at her home, He is abusing his professional position and the tutor/student disparity of status to an appalling degree. Add the fact that this unsuspecting victim of his uncontrollable urges is BLIND and you can see the concern.

We see the lecherous lecturer lusting after her in his drama class, following her down the corridor while she walks along with her white stick and even perving over her in a leotard by sneaking into somebody else's ballet class and mooching around in the background. 

To take matters further (and therefore worse) he phones the young woman at night  when she alone (no doubt obtaining her number from the college records - oh he's thorough). He says hello and then hangs up. What kind of sicko would do this to a vulnerable blind women alone at night. 

Hello is a D.I.Y. guide to stalking young women. In the modern age he would probably follow her every sentence on Facebook from behind the safety of his computer screen as well. Without the use of modern technology though, he chooses to follow her around, often within only yards of her, because he knows that  her condition makes her blissfully unaware of her surroundings. Disgraceful Lionel, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_ILDFp5DGA

Jeremy Fucking Kyle

Jeremy Fucking Kyle.

'The Modern equivalent of a Victorian freak show'

1. Background.

2. Setting the scene.

3. An outrageous pantomime.

4.Why would they do this to themselves?

5. Pick on someone your own size.

6. Who watches this rubbish?

7. Well I never watched it. No really.

Background.

One hour of mindless abuse masquerading as self help therapy presented by a pugnacious git with all the charm of a pissing toad. We are treat to several guests on stage with a poverty of education being grilled mercilously before being hit over the head repeatedly with a book of middle class values. Each story, of which there is three, is divided by benevolent companies promising to consolidate all of your existing loans into one soul destroying millstone around your neck. The Jeremy Kyle show has aired for several years on ITV and draws consistenly high viewing figures for a mid-morning TV show.

Setting the scene.

Crouching down on the steps with his legs akimbo like he has a pair of prickly pineapples for testicles, the man with the card in his hand looks up an talks in an inquisitive but sympathetic manner to the lone figure visibly squirming on stage. The tequnique he employs is bog standard tea and sympathy counselling. This is disingenous though and is merely employed to lull the guest into a false sense of security. The truth is that anything they say will be taken down and used to hammer somebody into the ground later, maybe them.

Then the second guest and the precieved villain of the piece appears to a chorus of boo's like a man handed the death sentence before he has even had time to read his opening statement. Kyle hovering round the stage like a vulture eyeing his prey. After a few minutes of token prodding and probing he then launches himself with self righteous indignation at the guests spouting molten horseshit in their direction. It's ugly. They try to defend themseles but it's futile, a tidal wave of vitioloic bile is washing all over them and there is no escape. To compound matters this is then followed by the General Custar effect as the audience weighs in, being very careful to toe the line already established by the inveterate little shit. Of course this is all much to the delight of the free ticket brigade whom hae no doubt all lived faultless lies themselves.

'..and next we will be talking to Gary from Swansea who claims his finacee Beverley has cheated on him with the brass section of the local Salvation army. We'll be back after the break'.

An Outrageous Pantomime.

Put simply, the Jeremy Kyle show is the modern equivalent of a Victorian Freak show. They used to trawl them around from town to town in cages for people to point and sneer at, now they just put them on national television. The self help aspect of the show is merely a ruse to justify the vitriolic onslaught for the purposes of light entertainment.
Any advice imparted is doomed anyway. He knows it, we know it and I suspect the only people who don't are the terminally self unaware people on stage. The underclass need a high level of stress and conflict in their lives just in order to feel alive. Sex, intoxicants and conflict are the riches of the poor. (Shows such as Shameless are accurate and have real authenticity). Also when people lack the inclination or the basic negotiating skills necessary to resolve conflict, matters will not change one iota. Likewise people with a violent disposition are beyond reach within the perameters of a 20 minute TV slot. Violence is largely associated with self pity which is deeply ingrained in the psyche. Perhaps they should replace the lie detector tests with a good old fashioned dose of shock therapy if they want to make a real difference.

Why would they do this to themselves?

The burning question which has to be asked is at what point during a rift or relationship breakdown do people stop and say, ' I know, let's sort this out on national television'? The answer to this is perhaps that an appearance on Kyle is a bit like an ASBO to this demographic. Frowned upon by the public at large but seen as a badge of honour amongst amongst the feckless, it is a brief glimmering moment in the limelight for the terminally ignored and disenfranchised. In a modern society in which fame is seen as the ultimate aspiration, people are so desperate to achieve even a modicum of celebrity that they are prepared to sell whatever they have to achieve it, even their own disfunction. This is screamingly evident in Kyle but also in other shows such as Big brother, Shock docs and even the X-factor. Many people are quite happy to expose their faults and foibles to a mocking world and will revel in the ill gotten exposure.

Pick on someone your own size.

A firther galling aspect of the show is the uneven hand that is being played renders much of the interaction as little more than bullying. While Kyle himself is clearly not a candidate for MENSA he is intellectually superior to the slack jawed guests and it is therefore a no contest when it comes to a challenge. You wonder how this cocky arrogant little Herbert would fare if he was pitted against people whom are actually capable of holding their own in a debate or of stringing together a cohesive argument. There are many philandering politicians who are just as morally bankrupt as the people he encounters and systematically trashes on his rotten show.

Who watches this rubbish?

Car crash TV is a relatively new phenomenom. Tragedy, confusion and conflict makes a great TV spectacle and the element of surprise adds further tension. There is of course the added element of fascination in seeing how other people (mis)conduct their lives.

What is perhaps not as evident is the self validating aspect of such shows. Nobody is perfect and viewers are able to draw comfort from the fact that no matter how disfunctional they may be, they are far more together than the socially and morally confused rabble on stage. 'Oh my God, I'm not like that, I don't do that therefore I'm better than them', screams the subconcious to the ego. By subconciously placing others beneath yourself you boost your own self esteem. While hardly noble, this is an undeniable aspect of human nature and this show delivers it in spades.
I guess you have to ask yourself how you would feel if someone higher up the social spectrum socially and culturally were to look at your life with such mock and disdain. It's all relative.

Well I never watched it. No really.

Whilst these shows are hugely popular and successful I consider them to be an embarrassment and endemic of the culture of criticism in modern society. Wat lowers this show beyond the playful put downs on TV talent shows is the style and tone ofthe abuse being dished out. At times it is vicious and is always dealt with utter contempt.
Every generation has TV shows which are looked back upon and it is wondered how they ever got away with showing it. There are a few but I consider Jeremy Kyle to be the outstanding candidate for this generation. A boiling sea of bad taste delivered by a smug and utterly charmless little Hitler.

Who the Hell does Twitter think it is?

Who the Hell does Twitter think it is?

Social networking sites have become a phenomenum over the past few years. Sites such as twitter and Facebook are used by millions around the world and are constantly referred to in everyday discourse if you have the ears to hear it. But what is it tha draws so many people to them and are they of any real value or are they merely a time wasting distraction? It has been suggested that Social networking should be renamed 'Social not-working'

In this piece I shall place my focus on my personal favourite -

Intended as a few thoughts rather than a comprehensive overview, I have wrote this pretty much on the hoof so if it lacks real focus or fluency then this is why. When I spend too much time on these things they tend to become overthought, po-faced and difficult to read, which kind of defeats the point.

So anyway, is twitter a complete;

Waste of time?

I always find it funny when people on Facebook describe twitter as a waste of time. This is a bit like Katie Price criticising Kate Moss for wearing to few clothes. Like most hypocisy there is an element of delusion and lack of awareness that is both amusing and infuriating. Yet this view that twitter and others are merely time wasting is common amongst those who have never participated or haven't perservered long enough to form a more rounded opinion. Or Jane Moir fans.


First of all I don't think the two things are mutually exclusive. After all time you you enjoy wasting is not time wasted. Newtworking sites work as a form of entertainment in much the same way as TV, computer games etc. They provide a kind of escape, a distraction - an opiate if you like. One area in which they rise above such other mediums is the social element. Many other forms of modern entertainment are solo pursuits which actively work to withdraw people from social interaction either physically or at least psychologially. They hem people off from others. As such, social networks can be seen as an antidote to this in a way. While human contact may not be there physically, it is there in spirit by drawing people together in a virtual manner.

It could perhaps be argued that it can also serve to facilitate social skills such as protocol and etiquette. However, there are strong counter-arguments to this and is probaly worthy of a blog entry of its own.

So why do people use twitter?

There are many people who use twitter as a kind of base. A touchstone for people to check back into when they've completed another activity. In this sense it is a good way to share day to day experiences with others in an interesting and amusing way. A bit like a surrogate husband or wife in a sense and there is nothing wrong with this. Anthropological studies prove that feeling that you are being heard by somebody is essential and has important psychological benefits.



Of course people also use it simply because it's fun. I find other people endlessly interesting. They are witty, brilliantly daft, honest, intelligent and reading people thoughts during popular TV shows can be hilarious. The X-factor is a riot on twitter. It is also a great place to access breaking news, collective viewpoints, art, culture, technology and even politics if you are so inclined.

For me personally I found it quite cathartic during a difficult period which is now thankfully over. A place for distraction, expression, humour and an outlet for grievances. As such it can help people navigate the carnage of a bad day in a positive way, working as both a soundboard and a release valve. Like all valves is can serve to have a decompressing effect, helping to release built up steam. Anybody who has witnessed one of my rare twitter rants will know exactly what I mean. I find it is important to use it this sparingly though as people are fine with it to a point but just don't want to hear it all the time. There are far more suitable forums for people who just want to beamoan their luck.

It also has to be said that there are also better outlets for meeting members of the opposite sex but that is a matter I have covered elsewhere on this blog and will discretely brush over here.

Crossing the boundaries of time, space and prejudice.

In a broader sense, sites such as twitter work to shrink the world into a single social space and works to remove boundaries such as class, race and culture. I value contact with a diverse range of people who I would otherwise not encounter through those age old barriers. The way twitter is formatted also makes it possibe to gain contact with people of similar inerests, intelligence and disposition if you so wish.

On a deeper level it can, and indeed has, worked as a powerful political tool as evidenced last year when lines of communication were censored by an oppressive regime.

The nature of internet relationships.

An aspect of internet relationships which places it apart from ordinary social rules are their availability and disposability. Internet relationships are essentially top pocket relationships. Like credit cards people are immediately available and disposable in the virtual world. It is so easy to cut contact from someone and never look back with no consequences. Also the process of choosing is reduced to a one dimensional image or a soundbite. The high emphasis on profile pics annoys me slightly but you could argue that this is merely symptomatic of wider societal values.

Also with the participants isolated as oposed to functioning within a natural social environment, there is also the ambiguity of writing in text. Devoid of body language, tone or irony, written words are often left wide open to interpretation with the meaning much larger in the minds eye of the reader. This can often lead to misunderstandings, confusion and even unrequited passions developing in some cases. Of course over time relationships can develop gradually and you can get to know people fairly well. Or as well as possible within the restrictions of cyberspace.

Is this really me?

This drags into focus just how well you can get to know a person on twitter. Any aspects of a persons personaility an be manipulated, concealed or embellished. Essentially you can make your appear any way you wish to in order to create a more favourable impression.

I do wonder sometimes if I paint an accurate reflection of myself on twitter. I think the answer to this is perhaps yes and no. Yes as in refleting who and what I am as a person but maybe no in terms of recognisability (is that even a word?). The reason why I say this is that people who know me personally perhaps wouldn't recognise me by what, and more particularly how I write. Like many, I am naturally more literate in text than I am in every day discourse. People tend not to usetheir full arsenal of verbiage in every day life as it wouldjust make them sound like a pretentious prat.

For example in real life I would say Scruffy fat git not 'A man, bellicose and belligerent with gravy stains'. But that is perhaps stating the obvious. Or orating to the ministry of obviousness if you like. People just don't talk this way. On my part I just like testing the elasticity of words and phrases sometimes for my own amusement.

Virtual insanity.

Of course like everyhing else such things can become addictive, unhealthy and can blur the line between reality and the virtual world. While gaining and maintaining contacts can be fun and rewarding, it is a mistake to place too much emotional value in people you essentially don't know and who don't know you.

Overall I think twitter and other such sites and great fun and real value on a variety of levels if understood for what they are. In my view they are certainly not a waste of time. If embraced they can provide a fun, entertaining and even psychologically nourishing form of entertainment, expression and sharing.

Funny Misheard Lyrics

Funny Misheard Lyrics

We’ve all done it haven’t we. Thought the words to a song have been one thing and they’ve turned out to be something else completely. The technical name for this amusing phenomena is a ‘Mondegreen’. A Mondegreen is the mishearing or misinterpretation of a lyric in a song in a way that yields a new meaning to the line.

I’ve uploaded a video I put together of 12 famous songs where the words could be misinterpreted as being something else. I’ve also presented a list of other famous songs below which have suffered the same fate. Any other contributions would be welcomed and added to the

list.

Link to '12 Misheard Lyrics' video on my Youtube channel 'ScallywagsTV'.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-of6hVkQah4&feature=channel_page

John Lennon - Give Peace a chance.

Oh, we are sailing with Skippy the cat

**********

Robert Palmer - Addicted to Love

Might as well Face it you’re a Dick with a Glove

**********

Gwen Stefani - Hollaback girl

I ain’t no Harlem black girl"

**********

U2 - Mysterious ways

Shamu the Mysterious whale

********

Michael Jackson - Don’t stop till you get enough

Im ashamed of the sound of Microsoft

********

Bon Jovi - Livin on a prayer

It doesnt really matter if we're naked or not

*******

ABBA - Take a chance on me

Jackie Chan, Jackie Chan, Jackie Jackie Chan Chan

*******

Madonna - Like a Virgin

Like a Virgin, touched for the 31st time.

********

Pearl Jam - Jeremy

Jeremy’s smokin Crack today.

********

Bee Gees - More than a woman

Bald-headed woman... bald-headed woman to me

********

Creedence clearwater revival - Bad Moon rising

Theres a bathroom on the right.

********

Aqua - Barbie Girl


Come on Body lets go potty

*******

Bob Dylan - Blowin in the wind

The ants are my friends, its blowin in the wind.

********

Elton John - Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road where the dark clouds decided to howl

********

Jimmy Cliff - I Can See Clearly Now

I can see Claire now Lorraine has gone

********

Joni Mitchel - Big Yellow Taxi

A gay pair of guys put up a parking lot

********

Nirvana - Smells like Teen Spirit

Here we are now in containers

********

LaBelle - Lady Marmalade

‘Bully Boot’ you say, I think ‘What? Say What?

Why Retail therapy doesn't work.

I’m Lovin it because I’m worth it!

I Can’t remember exactly when I stopped enjoying shopping. I used to love getting my wages and going on a spending spree every weekend, taking the hussle and bussle of crowded high streets and shopping malls in my stride. It all just seemed to add to the enjoyment, though it goes without saying I’ve always hated Queuing.

Even more enjoyable were my trips down the quiet side streets where independent clothes and cult music shops were hidden away from view. You could always find things which nobody else you knew had, usually at over inflated prices, but the reward was the self satisfied buzz. Somewhere along the line I lost that. More than that, the hussle and bussle of busy shopping streets became an annoying obsticle course and the buzz of purchasing became a comparative damp squib. These days my attitude is simply - get in get out and don’t look back. Whether it’s supermarkets, high streets or shopping malls I know exactly what I want before I go, I get it and I go straight home. Yet consumption has exploded and seems to have completely taken over people’s lives. How did this come about and is it a good thing?

You are What you buy.

Consumption is arguably the dominant value today within the Western world.
The growth of the media over the past 50 years from the birth of television to the multi channel product driven monster that we have today has embedded a culture within society in which products are promoted as essential determinants of your sense of self worth via a constant stream of advertising from the cradle onwards. From a young age onwards we are provided with message after message that happiness, fulfillment and even health are dependent on whether you buy this particular product.

Put simply, the message seems to be you are what you buy and success in the modern world is defined by what other people have and how you measure up. Therefore the act of purchasing the glittering array of goods at our disposal has been transformed into a mode of expression in which individuals find and express a sense of identity. The display and celebration of such goods can be seen as having triumphed over other more traditional and secure modes of expression such as religion or group affiliations in the modern world.

Rise of Technology.

This set of circumstances have been expanded and reinforced by the technological revolution over the past 25 years. However this revolution can also can be seen as being responsible for creating a situation which has led to individuals within society feeling an increasing sense of alienation from each other and from themselves. Television, computer games, the internet are all mediums in which the social can be seen as being replaced by the individual. Also, mobile phones merely serve to reduce human contact to a more shallow and superficial level as has the burgeoning use of social networking sites. Such sites reinforce the consumer approach to society as they can be seen as treating human beings as products. Like shopping, you are provided with choice, variety and disposability with avators, bio’s and sound bites working as the selling point. People, like credit cards, are available and disposable in the virtual world and for many merely serve to reduce or even replace real human contact. This, combined with the rise of individualism and weakening of social bonds through group affiliations have resulted in a widespread alienation and loss of identity for individuals within society. This serves to create a vacuum in peoples lives which they attempt to fill through the act of consumption.

Why Retail therapy doesn't work.

Attempting to fill the void through consumption can be seen as a self defeating exercise. The constant upgrading of goods from technology to fashion and even domestic products mean that todays fashionable items will soon be usurped by a new improved product making your existing version outdated and outmoded. It’s in the best interests of companies and advertisers that the consumers desires are never truly satisfied. This can also be seen in the ever expanding choice of things to buy. With such a limitless supply of goods available, needs can never be exhausted leaving fulfillment forever in the future. The same can be said of retail therapy.The implication of this term is that the act of consumption in itself works as a form of self medication and this is true to a point. Like any drug the act of shopping and the purchasing of items certainly can give you a buzz, albeit a short one. But herein lies the problem. Like all addictions, the endless search for instantaneity means on the spot fulfillment but also the immediate exhaustion and fading of interest. Addictions are self destructive as they destroy the possibility of ever being satisfied. Put simply, the consumer society approach to solve personal problems through market solutions does not and cannot satisfy the deeper human need for contact and sharing but merely creates a vicious circle of desire and consumption in which satisfaction is forever in the future and out of reach.

Internet relationships

Bigmouth Strikes Again

As a twitter aficionado I recently described people who use online dating as being a bit pathetic.

Like many I have a tendency to just write the first thing that is on my mind, usually prompted by whatever has happened or floated into view. This admittedly random piece of wholesale disregarding prompted a strongly worded message from a new but soon to be ex-follower. The general tone of this was of the 'how dare you' variety and pointed out that not all people find it quite so easy to meet people . The implication that I do find it easy was wide of the mark but it did make me want to try to Qualify my position.

From the onset it is only fair to confess that my opinions on the subject have been coloured somewhat. The fact that my 10 year marriage was recently brought to a very abrupt end due to my wife’s penchant for presenting herself as some kind of lobotomised sex line sorceress on happy pills on dating sites has gave a dim view. Personally I would rather saw my own toes off than use such a medium to solicit the sexual advances of another. There are paid professionals who can communicate in an intimate nature with complete strangers in this way and they are usually found advertising in almost redundant telephone booths, but I digress.

Born in the 1970’s, when I grew up dating services existed only as ‘Lonely hearts clubs’ in which anonymous people drew coy and rather vague pen pics of themselves in the hope of meeting like minded people. The popular conception of the participants was always that of rather sad, lonely people or of inveterate perverts (or both). The advent of the internet has certainly worked to popularise this form of dating by streamlining the process and subsequently removing much of the social stigma. I’m sure everybody reading knows somebody who uses or has used this process, maybe it’s you.

Online dating.

There is no question that meeting like-minded people can be a challenge in this day and age. Relationships in the modern age are less fixed and more fluid than in previous generations and this is borne out in the ever rising divorce rates. Women’s increasing financial independence through their entry into the workforce combined with the weakening of divorce laws have resulted in many more people, such as myself, finding themselves single at the age of 30+. With careers at an advanced stage and/or parental responsibilities present, many simply have difficulties to find the time to meet similar people and the internet certainly opens up the gene pool a little wider.

However there are also plenty of disadvantages in using this medium. It’s far too easy to fall prey to the terminally dysfunctional or worse. People are able to present their identity to people in any which way they choose. Their age, appearance, vocation, marital status and even disposition can be successfully manipulated or concealed so that what you see is what you don’t get. More worryingly of course cyberspace is a hunting ground for perverts stalking the web for girls who don’t know better. Of course there are many people out there looking for thrills with no ties and this is fair enough if you are single and are sensible enough to use the medium carefully. Unfortunately there are many others such as myself who find their own stable relationships in the real world destroyed by your partner chasing the thrill of attention or more from a stranger in the virtual world.

For some, online dating leads to multiple dating or permanent relationships. I’m sure there are many whom have found happiness and fulfillment through this medium and good luck to them. My issue is with just how easy it is to meet people online automatically makes such relationships vulnerable from the start. As both partners met their beloved through the internet, how can either be sure that when the relationship inevitably hits a rocky patch, their partner will not simply go back online for a newer model. This must be a constant source of paranoia within such already contrived partnerships.

Social Networking Sites.

A further aspect on online relationships I had not been aware of until recently has been that of those within social networking sites. From my own perspective the idea of even trying to forge romantic relationships in this way is utterly pointless and self defeating. I purely use them as they are fun a good way of finding out what other people are doing and what is popular and of the moment. Since I started using twitter I have my finger on the pulse of popular culture much, much more than previously and I love the site. Another great thing about such sitesare the way they shrink the world into a single social space making it possible to gain contact with people right across the social spectrum. They are also formatted in such a way as to make it possible to gain contact with people of similar interests, intelligence and disposition. As such relationships can be built on a social level over a period of time with people.

However, difficulties can arise through the ambiguity that can arise by writing in text.
For a start we are stripped of nuance and any ambiguity when we’re deprived of our full arsenal of communicatory gifts. When conversation is left open to interpretation, as is the case when communicating in text, you could write an entire thesis on the potential gaps between what you say and what you mean in cyber speak. If not careful this can result in an imaginative interpretation of what the dialogue between you means. This can lead to ‘friends’ falling out as they perceive another persons innocent words as being a personal slight. More worryingly, it can also lead to romantic confusion and unrequited passions developing between people on such sites. I myself have experienced this in terms of a person who maybe thought my interest in her was something more than merely social. It’s unfortunate and can get a little bit messy. In my case I had to say bye to them, though it paied me as she was a really fun and nice person.

Ultimately, relationships on the internet on whatever level can be great but also present a cornucopia of difficulties. It’s maybe important to understand that such relationship operate and exist on a more shallow and superficial level than that of those in the real world and should be understood for exactly what they are. Fun but virtual and loaded with pitfalls.